MTJR Chat Forum

Friday 14th May

Good Afternoon readers!! Its Friday once again and we are allowed to start the weekend NOWWW!!

Have a look at this lovely spider...


....Hmmmm...Looks scary...Well, how would you like one of these down your paints??? Well...There is this Canadian man, 22, who went skinny dipping in New Zealand...He left his shorts on the beach and the spider in the picture above crawled in them!! When the man returned from is dip, he put them back on and then fell asleep...Can you see where I am going with this...?? Anyway, the spider was trapped in this man's shorts, so it bite him on the penis!! OUCHHHH!! The spider was a katipo spider, which is a relative of the black widow spider.

When the 22 year-old man woke up, he found his penis swollen and painfil, with a red mark on the shaft suggestive of a bite. He then rapidly developed generalised muscle pains, fever, headache, photophobia and vomiting. It was a rather nasty, ill-placed bite! The man is ok now by the way but let this be a warning to anyone who likes going for skinny dips!! You'll never see me doing that sort of thing...Well...I've done it once before but we won't go there...Oh and I never found a spider in my shorts!

In Plymouth Township, Michigan, a truck full of sex toys and marital aides has gone missing, presumed stolen. This is what happens, readers, when you’re too shy to buy the stuff – you resort to stealing!! This is why Sex Shop break-in's are so high!! The Lover’s Lane delivery truck has gone missing. “Marketing Specialist” Eric Gorde says the truck contained £250,000 of “lingerie, dancewear, club wear, toys, lube and all kinds of romantic stuff”. Nothing says romance better than a talking blow up doll!!

Here is something horrible and mean for you now! Thieves in Ohio stole a hearse from a crematorium, with a dead body still inside it - then dumped the corpse and left a note telling the police where to find it. The thieves broke into The Greenfield Crematory in Cleveland on Wednesday, and stole computer equipment as well as the hearse. Police are investigating whether the hearse, which was later found abandoned, was stolen to help cart the stolen computer equipment away. Seriously, this is true!! The note, left in the abandoned hearse, said that the body could be picked up from a certain intersection. Police subsequently found the corpse, undamaged in a bag on a gurney, exactly where the note said it would be.

The Greenfield Crematory has apologised to the family of the dead person, who was due to cremated on Wednesday. They said it wasn't unusual to leave bodies in the hearse, which was locked inside the building. The thing I don't get is WHY does the Crematory need to say sorry, it should be the people who stole the car!!

Well that's it for this week!! Off to the pub now I think! Have a nice weekend!! The blog will return on Monday!

Monday 17th May

So here we are again...Its Monday afternoon!! Wow the weekend went fast!! Well it does if you spend most of the time in beer gardens!! So, it looks like Summer has returned!! What a lovely day it has been today. Started off cold but it got warmer as the day went on and its lovely outside at the moment!! Its a shame we can't just move the studio outside for tonights show!!

Right, BIG BIG Night tonight on the show from 7pm!! Tonight I am going to be trying to break a WORLD RECORD live in the MTJR Studios! Nothing like this has been done before live on air!! After 7pm tonight on the show, I an going to see how many After Eight Mints I can eat in one minute without using my hands! The current record is 8...So I am going to try and beat that!! We'll be trying to take some pictures of the record breaking and we'll see if we can put them up on my FACEBOOK fan page before the end of tonight! So, if you want to hear this and much much more, make sure you are listening to THE BIG SHOW tonight from 7pm UK TIME here on MTJR - http://www.mtjr.co.uk

Now, onto the real blog...Its not just us humans that hate the paparazzi, bears have reason to hate them too... An irritable black bear took a bite out of a shutterbug tourist in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park in Tennessee after he tried to snap its picture. The man suffered a small puncture wound to his foot and should be OK. OUCH!! But that is what you get if you take a picture of someone or SOMETHING and they don't want to be on camera!! Maybe singers like LADY GAGA who always have the paparazzi following them should learn from the bears!!

BIG NEWS for Anna Summers fans...Oh and sex fans...
Scientists have discovered what they believe to be the world's oldest sex toy at an archaeological dig in Germany. Yeah, this is true!! The toy wouldn't stop doing its thing, the user descided they would put it underground!!b The smooth prehistoric "tool" was reassembled from 14 fragments of siltstone. Experts believe the eight-inch stone phallus served double duty, allowing human ancestors 28,000 years ago to also use it as a flint to light fires.

Tuesday 18th May

Hellooooooo!! And Welcome to the blog that can contain anything really...Expect bedroom action...BUT if this blog does turn you on and does lighten up the action in the bedroom...WOOHOOOOO!! I think I'll have to start charging!

I have to start today's blog with a WARNING...BECAREFUL what you write on Facebook!! Everyone is on Facebook., so EVERYONE can see what you're talking about!! Yes, including your nan!! Where am I going with this...Well, a North Carolina waitress is out of a job after griping on her Facebook page about the $5 tip she got from a couple who sat at their table for three hours. The waitress says the customers kept her at work an hour after she was supposed to clock out. She blasted the couple on Facebook, calling them cheap and mentioning the restaurant by name.

Brixx officials told Johnson a couple of days later that she was being fired because she violated a company policy banning workers from speaking disparagingly about customers and casting the restaurant in a bad light on a social network. Johnson says she has apologized to Brixx and is looking for a new job. So in other words, becareful what you write on FACEBOOK!! That site could destory your life!

OMG!! THIS NEXT STORY IS SOOOOO TRUE!! ...A woman is suing her mobile phone company after her husband caught her cheating. YEAH, this is true!! Its amazing who is watching you!! There are spies everywhere...WHAT YOU DOING LOOKING AROUND YOUR TOILET FOR??? Anyway, the husband found several hour long phone calls on his wife’s phone bill after the couple’s mobile accounts were merged, which he discovered were to his wife’s lover! So now the wife is suing the phone company as she claims they’re to blame for the relationship breaking down. So there we go...That should teach that woman for cheating!! Soooo if you are cheating on your partner and you want to keep it a secret, DON'T let your partner see your phone bill!!

Banana's...They are ODD things aren't they...Anyway, an unusual discovery of a real banana split left charity workers open-mouthed after they peeled a banana and found two of the fruits nestled inside. WOW!! Thats AMAZING...I am lost for words...*Cough*...The fruit was among a batch destined for participants in the World Cancer Research Fund's (WCRF) Beat the Banana! fun run in London's Hyde Park. Teresa Nightingale, general manager for WCRF, said: "We've been doing fruit giveaways as part of our Fruity Friday campaign for some years now, but no one here has ever seen anything like this before. I bet those people who found that banana got excited...

Wednesday 19th May

Half way into the week now guys!! The weekend is just around the corner...I can smell it!! What's that, you've just blown off...Errrrr...Thanks...!! Lets hope these next few days go fast! Today was meant to be hotter than yesterday...Is it me or does it seem colder?? I wish the cloudy would go away and let the sun shine!

Anyway, thats my rant don't for the day, now on to this thing I call THE BLOG! Now, what would you do if you won the lottery??? Well, n ex-dustman who won a £9.7 million National Lottery prize nearly eight years ago wants to return to his old job, a friend said. Yeah, this is true! Now why would anyone want to be a dustman after winning the lottery??Michael Carroll, of Downham Market, Norfolk, had spent or given away most of his millions and was applying to a local council for a job as a binman, said the friend. Mr Carroll, who was unavailable for comment, hit the jackpot in November 2002 at the age of 19 while living in King's Lynn, Norfolk. I don't think this man's head is screwed on properly!! ...And people say I am odd!!

Now, if you getting away from someone, my advice to you is DON'T go hiding in a coffin...Because you never know what might happen to the coffin when you are in there...Anyway, this Philadelphia woman hid in a coffin at a funeral home after escaping from police custody, court papers have revealed. STUPID WOMEN!! Nicole April Kelly, 19, was being transported to jail by authorities in Juniata County last Thursday when she managed to flee from deputies. Once she had made her escape, the teenager ran into the Brown Funeral Home and hid away in a casket for four hours. She was eventually discovered by the business's owner Dan Brown, who called police. Thank god for that man who looked in there!!

Kelly is now back in custody and facing a number of fresh charges, including escape, flight to avoid apprehension, criminal trespass and criminal mischief. It is currently unclear what her original crime had been. Meanwhile, Brown is seeking restitution to the value of $365 (£255) for damage caused when Kelly apparently kicked out the rear of the coffin she was hiding in. So there we go, Kelly was lucky, but maybe next time, someone mightn't check inside!!

As we all know, 3D is taking over the world...SERIOUSLY, it is!! Scott Marshall and Gavin Livingstone used six cameras to film Hamish and Kerry's big day!! Hamish, 36, decided to have the wedding filmed in 3D as a surprise for 39-year-old Kerry. The couple believe it may be a world first. Hamish said: "It was a surprise for Kerry because she thought we were getting the wedding filmed normally." AWWWWWWW how sweet!! His just trying to get in Kerry's good books!! I bet you can guess what they did after watching the video...! Sooooo, if you are getting married to your partner soon, maybe this would be a nice romantic thing to do too!! There is nothing like copying ideas!! Like my dad never lefts the toilet seat up because its quicker...I do the same now...See, I copied him!

Thursday 20th May

HOWDY!! What a lovely day today has been weatherwise! Oh it was nice seeing the sun and enjoying the heat!! Why is it, when I wear my shorts, it goes cold and cloudy and when I don't wear them, its a LOVELY day!?? Does my legs scare the sun away or something???

Now, tradition suggests that a playground is not really the realm of a pensioner. But London's senior citizens are flying in the face of convention at a new geriatric "gym" in the capital's Hyde Park. Dubbed a "pensioners' playground", the sporting facility is designed to help elderly people take gentle exercise while getting some fresh air. Yes kids, there is really a playground for your nans and grandads now!! How good is that! That means they won't spend all day moaning about everything!!

Here is something mad...Police have unveiled their latest weapon in the fight against crime - a pedal-powered patrol car complete with siren and blue flashing light. There is a downside to this, the police man isn't going to catch many speeders on it!! Officers believe building their new five-gear vehicle, which has a top a speed of 20mph, will help them combat anti-social behaviour. The battery-assisted car has full Hampshire Constabulary livery - and a roll bar to protect the driver in the event of a crash. PC Keith Waller spent 40 hours painstakingly building the car with children at Ringwood Comprehensive School...So in other words, it is nothing like a real car.

When you want to try and give up smoking, you can buy those inhalers that stop you wanting to light up...Well now there is something like that for big people who like chocolate! An inhaler that allows chocoholics to submit to their cravings without putting on weight is to be released in British stores. Le Whif, dubbed the world's first breathable food, lets consumers suck in the taste of chocolate or coffee while taking on less than one calorie.

The lipstick-style tube contains hundreds of milligrams of tiny food particles which are small enough to become airborne, but too large to enter the lungs. Each Le Whif contains enough flavour for about eight to ten puffs and costs £1.99 on its own, or £4.99 for a pack of three. The inhaler is available in chocolate, raspberry chocolate and mint chocolate models as well as coffee flavour, which gives a dose of caffeine equivalent to a small shot of espresso. I think one should be made for every food and that will stop everyone from getting FAT!

That is for today! I am now off to put my shorts on and sit out in the garden with a can of Guinness!!

FRIDAY 21st May

Friday is nearly done which means the weekend is here at last and its going to be a HOT HOT HOT one!! Woohoo!! Looks like I will be wearing my shorts all weekend!! There's nothing better getting the air in places it doesn't usually go...Anyway, Welcome to FRIDAYS BIG BLOG and it is the final one of the weekend!

A postbox in Hampstead, North London has been taken out of use following complaints that it was giving Royal Mail workers sore backs. Awwwww!! Where is my SAD MUSIC!! Apparently this is TRUE! The mail container in question is 2ft shorter than the average postbox and has been blamed for at least three staff members taking time off work due to injury. When I sit down in the office, I get a bad back...Can we get that banned??? One local postman told the Hampstead and Highgate Express: "It is such a deep box you can fill three bags of post which could take up to five minutes to do. Obviously if you have been down that low for that long a time, it is going to hurt your back."

A notice put up by Royal Mail on the box reads: "This pillar box has been closed due to health and safety issues." Hampstead councillor Chris Knight criticised the decision, pointing out that the box has been open for 40 years. He said: "It's ridiculous - utterly stupid. It's been there for that long. Why would you suddenly need to change it for health and safety reasons? The world's gone mad." O-M-G!! The world has gone MAD!!

Teachers, if your students are spending too much time playing sports and not enough time doing work...DON'T WORRY!! Because Parents believe that playing cricket can help boost a child's grades in the classroom, research suggests. Competitive sports improve pupils' discipline, motivation and confidence, parents told a study by The Cricket Foundation. The study also reveals that they think cricket is no longer for the elite, and is attracting more players from different ethnic backgrounds...So in other words, don't stop your students from playing sports!! If you want them to do well, let them do what they are doing now!! Who cares about revision!!

Thats it for today...Because its too hot to do anything really!! Have a nice weekend!! I think its time for a pint in the garden...The blog will return on MONDAY!

Monday 24th May

Greetings!! Welcome to Monday afternoon and what a lovely day it has been once again!! I haven't been out in the sun that much today because I feel asleep outside on Sunday and now I look like a RED TRAFFIC LIGHT and I am sore!! Yes, I know it was a stupid idea falling asleep outside, but I was tired!! Anyway, make the most of today Sunshine because the weather is meant to change!!

Now there is something strange and really REALLY sick!! A Chinese martial arts expert pulled an aeroplane for five metres - by a rope hooked to his eyelids...This is true!! And after he pulled the plane, his eyelids were still on his face, so the plane never pulled them off!! Dong Changsheng, 50, performed the stunt at the Changchun International Exhibition Centre in Jilin province. It took him less than a minute to pull the half-a-tonne aircraft for five metres. EWWWWWW!!! How could you do that...JUST WITH YOUR EYELIDS???? Weird and sick! Dong has been practicing kung fu for nearly 40 years, and has collected numerous awards for his skills. I wonder if he uses any of his skills in the bedroom...Hmmmmm!!

Something even odder now...A shopping centre has been slammed for staging a competition to see how quickly contestants could unhook women's bras with one hand. Anyone who could undo eight bras with one hand in under a minute won a shopping voucher to spend at the mall in Guangzhou, Guangdong province, China. WOW!! A SHOPPING VOUCHER!! WOW!! I would have wanted more...Because I expect doing all that unhooking would use a lot of energy...Anyway...Eight women stood in a line on a stage, wearing only a bra and a face mask above the waist, for the event. Some of the watching crowd clapped and cheered as contestants successfully unfastened bras - but others were shocked by the event.

One angry shopper, Zhang Zhengyi, complained: "This must have been the brainwave of a dirty old man - why would anyone want to take part in such a degrading spectacle?" But a spokesman for the Modern Development shopping mall defended the competition which he said was to promote underwear awareness. Underwear awareness??? Whats all that about???

There seems to be a lot of people cheating on each other these days...Well a website for cheating confessions has been designed...Cheatconfession.com is a place where you can confess to cheating on your lover in public and anonymous confessions. One woman publicly writes:
“You love me more incredibly and truly than anyone in my life has ever done, but somehow I still cheated. I hope you can forgive me, but I know I will never forgive myself.” - Yeah but won't this but off future partners...??? Hmmmmm!! I think Tiger Woods should have went on this site!

Tuesday 25th May

Good Afternoon Readers and Happy Tuesday!!

Do you want a pet CAT??? Well here is something for you...


...Meet Bertie...Eight-year-old Ugly Bertie was picked up by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals last week and is looking for a new home!! Awwwwww! When he was found, Bolton-born Bertie’s flea-filled fur was so matted he could barely walk, and vets had to shave off most of his hair. Ugly Bertie may not be much of a looker but, he just wants a new home!!

Now, have you ever had a leak in your house but you had no idea what was causing it??? Well have you ever considered an elephant might be causing it...Because a Female elephant with the nickname Troublesome was caught on camera draining the jacuzzi by a guest at Etali Safari Lodge in South Africa. Yeah, seriously, this is true! The poor thing was thirty and this was the only water around free for him! Staff and owners had been scratching their heads for weeks trying to work out what was the cause of the mystery leak. Now I bet they never considered an elephant might be the cause! Discovering 'Troublesome' was behind it, the rangers also then realised unexplained marks on the wooded fence were created by her tusks that would get lodged as she drank. Elephants can drink up to 200 litres per day and prefer clean water!! Wow!! Its a good job elephant don't have beds or it will be wetting it every night!

Been a cleaner is dangerous because a cleaner was taken to hospital last week after being sucked into a sausage seasoning machine, reports have revealed!! OUCH!! I bet that hurt! The male worker was pulled head-first into the vacuum device after it was somehow activated while he was cleaning it. The machine must have mistaken the man for sausage meat! Police have said that the man's head and shoulders became stuck in the machine, but he showed no signs of trauma after being freed. He was later given a hospital check-up as a precaution. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration is now expected to investigate the matter. Poor man...And poor machine!

Wednesday 26th May

Hello readers and Welcome to Wednesday's BLOG!! Before we go on to the main part of the blog, I just want to say that on tonights show, I have got something for the women who always forget things when they leave the house or they don't have enough pockets...YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS THING!! So make sure you have got the BIG SHOW on tonight from 7pm on this fine radio station - http://www.mtjr.co.uk

Now, women, have you ever got it ALL out in public??? I ask because there is this women who stripped naked and climbed on top of a London taxi in front of the Houses of Parliament last week to protest against the war in Afghanistan!! Why are you looking at me like that for??? ITS TRUE!! There are even pictures of this but if I put them up on here, I would end up getting fired because it would be classed as PORN!! Anyway, the unnamed woman conducted a five-minute protest against the conflict in a sitting yoga position making while shouting "Troops out of Afghanistan". The policemen did nothing about it at the start because they were all lovin' the women's bolts! There are no reports on how long it took the police to get her down...

BREAKING NEWS NOW FROM THE FARM HOUSE!! A man who pleaded guilty to having sex with a horse and a donkey has received a 22 month prison sentence!! Christ some men are desperate to get some...Why the hell didn't the man just go to Ann Summer and buy a blow-up doll...Mind you, that would have costed some money...What I still don't get, is how could he have done it with a donkey??? I would have needed to be a tall man...Anyway, MOVING ON!!

Good news now for hard working workers...Unlike me...Officer workers will soon be capable of being in two places at once - virtually - thanks to their very own robot!! YAYA!! At last! Californian company Anybots has developed the 5ft robot called QB which can act as your stand-in if you're working from home, away on business or stuck in a meeting. Controllable by internet from anywhere in the world, you simply log-in online and activate your QB which you park at your usual desk.

QB can even trudle around the office joining conversations with colleagues in real time. A camera in the robot's head let's you see where it's going, and if you spot anyone you want to talk to you simply power over to them and engage in conversation through your headset. The good thing about having robot workers is that you won't have to spend any money on them at the pub!! The BIG problem is that they don't have any money to buy YOU a pint!!

Thursday 27th May

Thursday is here again!! I like Thursday's because its Friday tomorrow and we all love Fridays don't we!! Anyway, Welcome to the BIG BLOG!!

Have you ever heard of BREASTS made from cotton?? No, well there is a First for everything BECAUSE a Somerset-based Mothers's Union has knitted 150 woollen breasts for the NHS to help women breastfeed...I know this sounds as if I made this up but I swear it is true!! The replica mammaries are being used instead of balloons to explain how to deal with blocked ducts and mastitis and to show how to express breast milk.NHS infant feeding specialist Louise Stickland said: "When I heard the Mothers' Union did knitting of clothes for premature babies, I asked if they would be prepared to knit 150 breasts so I could make them available as a training aid. All I have to say is "WELL DONE MOTHERS! YOU ARE STARS!!!"

A US woman claims she owns the world's first musical fish, which can play the glockenspiel and handbells...WHAT!!! This is true...Apparently!! Sounds so odd doesn't it! Goldfish Jor Jor has been trained to play single notes, chords and four part harmonies by simply using her mouth. The two-year-old tugs on a string attached to the instrument in perfect time to the music playing outside her tank. And she always comes in at the same point when she hears Barbara Streisand sing Moon River. I personally think the fish just wishes it was dead every time it hears that song! So there we go...There is a fish out there that can play music...OOOOK!!

Attacking people is WRONG and shouldn't be done but when I read this little story, I could help but laugh because its just a strange way to assault someone...A baseball fan has pleaded guilty to vomiting on an off-duty police captain and his 11-year-old daughter during a game! YES!! The women didn't hit the captain, she was sick on him...YES, I know...SOOOOOO ODD but true! Matthew Clemmens, 21, stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited on Michael Vangelo and his daughter during a Philadelphia Phillies game. He pleaded guilty to one count each of simple assault, disorderly conduct and harassment for his conduct during the game at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia.

Soooo if you ever need to get your own back on someone, don't be sick on them, because you could end up in JAIL!! But if you are really feeling ill and you was sick, then that might be different...I don't know...