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Friday 22nd January

Hello Chicken! My favourite day of the week is here! Oh I do love Friday's! I think a chineses takeaway will be in need tonight! This is the final blog until Monday...

Two fire services spent almost £3 million on five fire engines which they cannot use because they are too heavy. The vehicles are fitted with a special aerial platform to allow firefighters access to the upper levels of buildings. Each one cost more than half a million pounds but they cannot be used because they are too heavy to be driven legally on British roads. The first vehicle was delivered to Humberside in 2007. But staff discovered that, when loaded with equipment, the vehicle exceeded the 26-tonne legal weight for fire engines on the road. What is the point?! Why the hell does a fire engine need to be a curtain weight??? God there are some sad people living in this world! Why are you looking at me???

Elephants in Thailand are being trained to play basketball, as part of an innovative regime introduced by their carers. There aren't any big sports out there that involve animals so maybe this could be the next big thing...I could be the end of football!! I wonder if the animals will get a red card if they spit water at someone...hmmmm...Interesting. The Island Safari Centre on Koh Samui is teaching six-year old Malie, and nine-year old Toktak to use their trunks to perform basketball skills, in an effort to improve their health and vitality.

Organisers at the centre, which cares for the animals, say that they undergo rigorous training in order to learn the basics of the game. Basketball involving humans could be a thing of the past!! Mind you, I suppose elephants will be better players because they are taller than us humans...

Swimmers have been banned from showering naked at a local pool to avoid offending children!! Why the hell would anyone want to strip off completely to have a shower in swimming pools?! Why? I thought the water in the pool was there to clean...Officials at Torridge Pool in Northam, Devon, have told bathers to keep their trunks and swimming costumes on in the showers.

The move follows complaints from a school, whose children use the pool, that pupils are upset by "open nudity" and needed more privacy. But other customers have attacked the measure and plan to fight it by continuing to shower in the nude. I suppose there is an advantage of showing naked at the pool - children could learn about the parts of the bodies...Anyway, moving on...

...And...PEOPLE with small brains learn more slowly than those with bigger ones, according to new research. So if you want to be good at games, make sure you start learning!!

That's that!! The blog will return on Monday! Have a nice weekend!

Monday 25th January

HELLO READERS! It is National Irish Coffee day today, so if you like that sort of coffee, I hope you are enjoying it as much as I am...I am mostly a tea drinker...I am surpriced that it isn't national tea day tomorrow! Anyway, I bet you any money that you are glad that Monday is OVER! Grrrr! I hate Mondays!

SEX...It can cause some problems! Carpal tunnel syndrome may be caused by sexual intercourse, new research has claimed. John Zenian's paper outlining the hypothesis, 'The role of sexual intercourse in the etiology of carpal tunnel syndrome'. It suggests that the eight known risk factors for unexplained tingling, numbness and muscle weakness in the wrists can be explained by changes in the frequency of sex. A few days ago, they told us to have more sex but now they are saying that getting down to it a lot could cause a lot of problems...So what do we do...Hmmmmm...Go which ever one you think is for the best...SEX!!

THINK TWICE BEFORE GOING TO WATCH AVATRA! Because a man in Taiwan has reportedly died after collapsing during a recent screening of Avatar. The unnamed 42-year-old is believed to have suffered a stroke while watching James Cameron's blockbuster in the city of Hsinchu, before dying a week later in hospital. Experts have since concluded that the man's death was most likely caused by over-excitement. So don't get to over excited when you go and watch it otherwise something like this might happen and then you'll never be able to see it! That is really sad to hear but I thought I would tell you incase you are thinking about going to watch the film soon!

123456 is the most common password on the internet, it has been claimed. Data security firm Imperva analysed 32 million passwords for a new report, which argued that users should choose more complex codes to protect their information. Employees using the same passwords on Facebook that they use in the workplace bring the possibility of compromising enterprise systems with insecure passwords, especially if they are using easy to crack passwords like '123456'."

The top five most commonly-used passwords are as follows:

1. 123456
2. 12345
3. 123456789
4. Password
5. iloveyou

Just so you know, my password is MUCH hard than those crap things! Just sayin'!

Tuesday 26th January

Hello my frozen friend...Yeah, it has been another cold day here in the UK. It is meant to be getting a BIT warmer tomorrow but according to some reports, we are meant to get some snow on Friday...I know, I've had enough of the stuff too...Roll on Summer hey!

An elderly Polish beekeeper had a shock after passing out after being stung and waking up inside a coffin. Fancy that hey! God, i would be scared if something like that happened to me...Blooming hell! Its just hope they never put him in that hole...Doctors believed that Jozef Guzy, 76, from Katowice in southern Poland had suffered a heart attack after he was stung and he was declared dead. Doctors don't do their jobs properly these days! STUPID NHS! His wife Ludmila said: "I could not believe it when they said he was dead and the doctor put a white sheet over him and three hours later local undertakers pulled up and put him in a coffin and closed the lid."

The coffin was then driven to the undertakers and put in a storeroom, but the mistake was discovered when Guzy woke up and started to shout for help. Thank god for that!!

THERE ARE LOADS OF DOPPY ANIMALS ABOUT THESE DAYS! A swan had to be rescued by firemen after it fell asleep in an icy river and woke up to find its feet had frozen solid. German Hannes Langer, 35, spotted the swan trapped at the edge of the river Aue in Horneburg, Germany, while out walking his dog and raised the alarm. What a stupid Swan...Now if I was a Swan, I would find somewhere warm to make a nest in. NOT A RIVER! He said: "I wondered why it didn't fly off when my dog spotted it and started barking - then I saw that it was actually frozen solid in the ice."

Police who turned up were unable to get near enough to free the swan and called the fire brigade - which sent eight firemen to save the trapped bird. The swan was eventually freed unharmed but there were still several injuries. I can tell that the police and firemen have a lot of time on their hand...Poor Swan! I am so glad that it has been freed!

PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES WITH YOUR PARENTS IN DANGEROUS AND IS LIKELY TO END IN TEARS! An Italian teenager reportedly stabbed his father with a 40cm blade after the two had an argument over a game of FIFA 2009. The 16-year-old - known only as Mario - took a kitchen knife and inflicted a deep cut to the throat to Fabrizio R. after he switched off the television following the debate. The disagreement was reportedly sparked when Mario rejected his father's tactical advice. I bet the day cried...The teen's 46-year-old mother Monica B told Il Corriere della Sera: "I saw Mario come back into the room, he seemed calm, he went to the sink and I noticed him washing a knife.

"Then my husband came into the room with a hand round his neck, dripping blood." Police said that Mario shut himself in the bedroom after the stabbing and did not try to resist his arrest by officers. So never play games with your family!

Wednesday 27th January

Here we are again - it is the middle of the week! Half way to the weekend and we are meant to see more snow!! Nooooooo! Bloody stuff! Well, its ok but I hate it when I have to go out in it and I come back all wet and cold...WHERE IS THE SUMMER?

YOU HAVE TO BECAREFUL WHO YOU TELL YOUR JOKES TOO! Police have issued a Welsh shopkeeper with a warning - over his jokes. Bob Singh thought the policeman who visited his shop in Port Talbot was having a laugh. I take that the officer didn't like the jokes! The officer told him there had been a complaint about the gags he prints on leaflets advertising his corner shop's Christmas offers. God there are some sad people about! Police said his gags could offend people and warned the shopkeeper that he could face prosecution for a public order offence. Mr Singh, 36, has been forced to withdraw the leaflets which included gags like: What do you call a sheep with no legs? A Cloud. He said: "I couldn't believe my ears. I thought they were joking - but they were deadly serious." You have been warned!! Becareful who you tell your jokes too!

An Australian burglar broke into a sex shop three times - just to have sex with blow-up dolls. Once the 23-year-old had finished with them he dumped the dolls in an alleyway. He was arrested at his home by police in Cairns. He is due to appear in court next month charged with burglary. He has been freed on bail...God there are some weirdo's about!

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE HAIR STARTING TO GROW IN YOUR EARS?? Well, what would you do if something else started growing out of them...? Because a seven-year-old boy went to hospital in Romania with earache to be told he had wheat growing in his ear. Well at least he could make bread easily...He wouldn't need to spend money in the shop to buy wheat!Doctors at the hospital in Buzau were amazed to find a germinating seed inside the boy's right ear.

They were able to remove the seed and are confident the youngster will make a full recovery.A hospital spokesperson said: "The doctors couldn't believe that a seed was growing in the kid's ear. "It's no wonder he was suffering from earache - but he should be OK now." WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD WHEAT GROWING IN YOUR EAR?! I don't really know what I would do...

Today is National Chocolate Cake Day...So if you didn't know that, go to town, buy a BIG CHOCOLATE CAKE and Eat it!

That's it for today...More tomorrow!

Thursday 28th January

Hello People!! Welcome to the daily blog thing...It's Thursday and that means its 80's night on MTJR tonight so tune into JB from 7pm tonight...Don't worry, JB will pay me later for saying that...Aren't I kind!

When you feel a sneeze coming along in the car, becareful where you do it because an Ayrshire businessman says he has been fined by the police for blowing his nose while stuck in a traffic jam. Michael Mancini, 39, from Prestwick, said he was in standing traffic in Ayr town centre with the handbrake on when he used a tissue to clean his nose. He claimed he was waved over by four police officers and given a fixed penalty for not being in proper control of his car...HOW STUPID!! How else are you meant to clean your nose when in the car...Anyway, the man didn't need to control his car if he was stuck in traffic!! How do you clean your noses police when in the car...??? Do you just let all the germ run free...??

BECAREFUL WHERE YOU PARK! Because a motorist and his young son had a lucky escape when he accidentally drove his car off the roof of his apartment building. Don't ask me how they did that...I take there was a car park on the roof...Car parks on roof buildings aren't that good because sometimes you can't tell when the building ends...The man was trying to park his car on the rooftop carpark when he accidentally stepped on the accelerator. The car shot backwards over the edge of the roof, through a low wire cable and crashed 25ft down to the alleyway below. Amazingly, the man and his five-year-old son, who was sitting in the passenger seat, were unhurt in the accident...So I don't think parking on buildings aint that good.

Just a short one today! The blog will return tomorrow!

Friday 29th January

HELLO FRIDAY READERS! Welcome to my small world which is the daily blog! God, I am so glad it is Friday because it means we can all relax for 2 days now!! Today is not just any Friday, today is PAYDAY and NATIONAL PUZZLE DAY! I bet the first one excited you, but seriously, it is national Puzzle day...Apparently today is the day you can do puzzles at work and the boss can't complain!

Today's question is, IS THERE A G SPOT OR NOT?! Well, French gyneacologists have dismissed British research which claimed the G spot, the erogenous zone said to be possessed by some women, may be all in the mind. Who do we believe?? Us Brits or our friends over the sea...hmmmm! In a Gallic riposte to researchers at King's College London , a gathering of French doctors insisted the G spot - supposedly a cluster of internal nerve endings - is far from a myth.

"The English study is barking up the wrong tree," said Sylvain Mimoun, France's best-known gynaecologist, who ws speaking at the "G-Day" conference. Hang on, can these people say this...So according to the French, there is a G Spot...

Now, nearly in every city or town across the UK, there is a Tescos that is open 24 hours, but have you ever been in one at 3am in the morning...Have you wondered if people do some shopping in their PJ's?? Well apparently, they do because a Tesco store has requested its customers not to shop in pyjamas or bare feet. So this shows that some people do go shopping during the night, wearing whatever... Notices placed in the windows of the store in St Mellons, Cardiff read: "To avoid causing offence or embarrassment we ask that our customers are appropriately dressed.

"Footwear must be worn at all times and no nightwear is permitted." Yeah but, if its 3am, that is night time, so NIGHTWEAR SHOULD BE ALLOWED because you can't really wear daytime clothes at night time...Some people might think you're odd...BBC News reports a Tesco spokesman as saying: "We're not a nightclub with a strict dress code, and jeans and trainers are of course more than welcome.

"We do, however, request that customers do not shop in their PJs or nightgowns. This is to avoid causing offence or embarrassment to others." The spokesman was not aware of a similar ban having been introduced in any other branch.
So if you do fancy doing some late night shopping in Tesco's make sure you're wearing something suitable or you may be kicked out!

Monday 1st February

White Rabbits! Pinch, Punch, First of the Month! So here we go, there is nothing like starting a new week and a new month at the same time is there...I'm feel very tried today...I don't know if that has anything to do it with or not... Anyway, today is a special day because TODAY IS EJACULATION DAY! ...Moving on....

HAVE YOU EVER SPOTTED A SPELLING MISTAKE ON A ROAD SIGN? No, well I see them everyday...Because I drive through Wales...Who ever do the signs over there can't spell to save their lives...Apparently, Councils have forked out hundreds of pounds fixing street signs because of spelling and punctuation mistakes and missing information, it has been revealed. At least 14 councils said they had to foot the bill because of the errors by staff since January 2003.

Westminster City Council said five signs had misplaced or missing apostrophes and had to be changed, costing around £1,185, and Luton Borough Council said two spelling corrections cost £118. Ok, its time to come clean...What the hell are apostrophes for?! I just think they're pointless....Oh I just used one there! I think the people who do the road signs, should have an A in English...However, everyone makes mistakes, including teachers! DON'T LIE BECAUSE I KNOW YOU DO!!!

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED A FAG SO BADLY THAT YOU SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ONE?! Well, a cigar which Sir Winston Churchill left unfinished in 1941 has fetched £4,500 at a sale. Wow! This man who brought it must have wanted it badly...Stress levels must have been high for him Auctioneers Keys, of Aylsham, Norfolk, said Sir Winston abandoned the stub to attend a cabinet meeting. It was picked up by a Downing Street valet who sent it to a friend with a note jotted on Number 10 writing paper, said auction staff. I thought there was a credit crunch on because who the hell would want to buy something like this?! God there are some weird people about these days!

Tuesday 2nd February

Hello!! Yes, it is that time again for the daily rant of randomness!! EVERYTHING this blog contains is true...Hang on, have I put the right date...? Yeah, thats alright then! Believe it or not but it is Tuesday afternoon! Not long to the weekend now...

WHAT IS THE STRANGEST PET YOU HAVE!? Hey, thats not very nice to call your wife strange! Or you dog!! Anyway, A British man has reportedly amassed the country's largest collection of crocodiles in his own garden. Shaun Foggett keeps 23 crocodiles and an alligator at the back of his semi-detached Oxford home...I bet your pets aren't like this...I hope they don't kill because what will happen if they get out of the garden!?! Foggett said: "They are amazing animals but not cheap to keep as pets. Just feeding them with rodents and fish costs £8,000 a year. WHAT?! I thought there was a CREDIT CRUNCH!!! He added: "The neighbours all know the crocodiles are there, but they have never wanted to come around and see them." I WONDER WHY!!

GOOD NEWS NOW! A woman has launched what is claimed to be the UK's first ever rabbit jumping club. Retired office worker and rabbit breeder Maureen Hoyle of Huddersfield, West Yorkshire was inspired to set up Rabbit Jumping UK after a visit to Sweden. AWWWWW! How cute!! I take this woman had a lot of time on her hands before she set this up! Hoyle said: "The rabbits love it. The rabbits are very agile and a lot of people are surprised by what they can do. The rabbits have to clear the jump without touching it.

"In more serious competitions the obstacle has a delicately balanced weight at the top which will fall if the rabbit makes contact. That will add a penalty to the rabbit's total time." The competition is reportedly popular in Scandinavia, with world champions able to leap heights of up to three feet. SO, was that good news...I don't know...Its a shame I don't have a rabbit for a pet...However, I know a man that owns some Crocodiles!

NOW, The Liverpool Echo newspaper has issued an apology after falsely claiming that Taylor Swift was due to make an appearance at a local school. The publication had originally reported that the 20-year-old singer was playing a gig at the St Margaret Mary's Catholic Junior School tonight, when in fact singer-songwriter Taylor Bright had been scheduled to perform. Bright's show was subsequently axed following security concerns provoked by the incorrect article. Oooops!! I bet the people that showed up that were SAD!! You should double check things you know!!

Thats all for today, I am not off to double check on tea thats cooking right now...Chicken and Chips tonight...AMAZING!

Wednesday 3rd February

Howdy!! Is the date right on this computer...Is it really "Wednesday 3rd Febraury"?! Wow these days are going fast! Only a few more days until the weekend my little friends! So today has been a horrible for some weatherwise - Some people have seen light stupid rain and other have seen snow, so I hope your day has been better than the weather today!

IT IS STORYTELLING WEEK! SO LET'S HAVE A STORY!! THIS IS TRUE BY THE WAY! A Taiwanese smoker has claimed that his 3-year-old snake has become addicted to smoking. Taipei resident Sho Lau explained that his viper Po was attracted to a discarded cigarette because of his own 20-a-day habit. Yes, the snake is a train smoker nearly! So really, the owns are spending about £10 a day on fags as well as food!! Why bother! ITS A BLOODY ANIMAL FOR GOD SAKE!! The 33-year-old said: "He is very tame and one day when I threw a cigarette butt away he went for it and seemed to enjoy having it in his mouth.

'One thing led to another and before long he was having one cigarette in the morning and another at night. He gets very agitated if I don't have any to spare." I guess smoking isn't doing his health any good! Now children, you should NEVER smoke, you get addicted to it and its bad for you so DON'T! Listen to me this once, I know these things!

NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF 'SEX WITH ANIMALS'? Well, the Netherlands has reportedly banned sex with animals after a long-standing bill passed the Eerste Kamer (upper house) of the Dutch parliament today. The law prohibits human sex with animals, even if the interaction is in private and the animals are unharmed. Now why would anyone want to have sex with an animals...Seriously, some people must be really want it!! It further bans the creation or dissemination of animal pornography. A 2007 newspaper survey suggested that 80% of bestiality videos worldwide had originated in the Netherlands.

Previously, sex with animals had been legal in the Netherlands as long as the person could prove that the animals were not injured. HMMMMM, I wonder how those people proved that!!! GOD THERE ARE SOME SICK PEOPLE ABOUT!!

...And I'm not one of them!!

Thursday 4th February

Afternoon Thursday Readers! Welcome to the blog! Today's is going to be a short one because if you have been reading my Twitter and Facebook Status's, I'm not feeling that good...I hope I feel better soon! Anyway, today is National Stuffed Mushroom Day...God these days are random and just so you know, I don't make them up!

SAD NEWS...Well for some anyway because authorities in a German town have moved to ban what would be its first topless sledging tournament. So basically, there will be woman sledging in freezing condictions topless so everything will be hanging out! HOW GOOD IS THAT but it won't be good if it gets banned! Why would they want to do that?! Local councillors in Oberwiesenthal have suggested that the event will have a negative affect on the ski resort's image!! What a stupid reason, this only happens once a year so I think it wouldn't do that much harm...

Mayor Mirko Ernst said: "No-one has anything against the traditional annual sledging events. But the vast majority of residents oppose the topless sledging idea. The good reputation of our town would suffer." Well I just think you're all weird...I bet you watch the porn channels and you don't complain! Organiser Jochen Noeske said: "I want our tournament to be a mega festival of boobs. I hope they don't ban us - but if they do, we'll take the competition over the border to the Czech Republic where they are not so stuffy."

I think I can guy what you think of this guys!