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Monday 9th August

Happy Monday readers! So the weekend has been and gone and Christ I had a busy one doing discos and working at the local pub doing the cleaning and bar work. Before I get on to the blog I need to tell you what I read in the paper last night...Apparently this week is meant to be hot...BUT there is one problem...According to the Met Office, this is our last hot spell before Christmas. So that was our Summer...But hey, do the Met Office really know what they are talking about??? They also said that next week SNOW will be coming into the North...Looks like we'll have to keep an eye on the weather and see if they really know what they are talking about...

What would you do to save your house and belongings?? Well a Hungarian schoolgirl who auctioned off her virginity to a British businessman has called off the deal after he asked her to marry him. The 17-year-old blonde - who started the sale to stop her mum's home being repossessed - says she is looking for a "saviour" not a husband. The original sale was closed down by eBay, after the bidding had topped £100,000, but will reopen on Hungarian television this week. Christ!! That is a lot of money...I could do with some more money...Maybe I could sell my sperm...Hmmmm! The freckle-faced girl - who claims she has never had a boyfriend and lives in northern Hungary with her mother - explained: "I don't think there is anything wrong with it." - Yeah OK!

Oh darn! I wish I went to a Theme Park this weekend...Because more than 100 naked thrill-seekers stripped off to ride into the record books - on a rollercoaster. I hope it wasn't cold...A total of 102 enthusiasts bared all to take their seats on the Green Scream rollercoaster at Southend-on-Sea, Essex. Oooo you Essex people are lucky! Organisers were aiming to beat a record set at Alton Towers in 2004 when 32 people rode a rollercoaster naked. Lets hope there wasn't many kids around the area...

There are some odd Chinese people about these days...I say that because a Chinese restaurant recruited a new chef by inviting applicants to slice a melon on a woman's stomach. Seriously, this is sooooo true! The hotel restaurant, in Hankou, Hubei province, put the knife skills of more than 15 candidates to the test. Soon there will be no sideboards in this chef's kitchen. A woman volunteer laid on a table, with her stomach covered with a thin sheet of plastic, while would-be chefs chopped up their melons. "They had to chop the gourd into very thin pieces in a limited time," said a spokesman for the hotel. The successful candidate, Chef Hu Gua, won the job by choping up his melon in less than a minute without hurting the woman!! There are also reports out saying that this Chef is looking for more woman...Interested??

Tuesday 10th August

Hello Tuesday readers!! Today isn't any other Tuesday...Today is officially LAZY DAY...This is according to some news websites anyway...So I hope you're not doing much today! I must admit, I haven't done anything today! Oh and I had my first lie-in in ages this morning! It was well needed!

A five-year-old cruelly nicknamed Monkey Girl wants to become a scientist to find out why she is covered in thick black hair. So if she was taken to a zoo, some zoo workers might get her confused with a Monkey...Cian Cian lives with her grandparents who regularly shave her face and body to remove her unwanted hair. Doctors at Tongliang People's Hospital, where Cian Cian was recently treated after suffering an epileptic fit, are mystified by her condition. Doctor Chu Hongbo said: "There is nothing like this in her family going back three generations so it doesn't appear to be genetic." I think there might have been something wrong with her mums milk...I would hate to be covered in hair...Well I am being a man, but my hair ain't that long and black!

Now, if you had a record for the worlds largest man-boobs men, would you get them removed and get that record taken off you?? Well, a Chinese man who had the world's biggest man boobs is enjoying a new lease of life after an operation to remove them. But he's had his title taken off him! Awwwwwwww! What a shame...Guo Qingpo, 53, from Jiuying village, Dezhou, in northern China's Shandong province, said the surgery had ended a ten year nightmare. I wonder if the man's boobs produced milk...Actually, I don't want to know! For many years he refused to leave his home after people labelled him a freak or falsely accused him of undergoing transgender surgery. He didn't want to wear a bra!

For years nicotine patches have helped smokers to kick the habit...BUT now the latest fad is weight loss patches designed to help you slim. They're already popular with some celebrities, like Paris Hilton and Jordan...Apparently Paris Hilton was spotted at a party in Los Angeles over the Weekend sporting one stuck on her bottom...Hmmmm...I wonder what she was doing to make her bum show...The sticky pads are claimed to suppress hunger pangs and help the body burin off fat! They are available over the internet at £18 for 30! Not bad!

Wednesday 11th August

Hello my lovely Wednesday readers!! Welcome to another daily blog! One word to sum up this morning/afternoon "PHEW"! I'm glad its over! Christ I've had a busy one! I wasn't able to have a lie-in this morning, I needed to be up and over at the pub by 10 to do the cleaning and then we went up to this farm, where the owners are building a new house on! Its was a lovely place and I just love how quiet the countryside is! This farm out was in the middle of no-where and it was lovely! So that made the morning end nicely!

I think an early night will be needed tonight...I haven't had one in ages but I must remember tonight that the bed is VERY comfortable! And I noticed that this morning when I didn't want to get out of the darn thing! So the earlier I go to bed, the longer I'll be able to stay in the thing! Woohooo! Sounds good to me!

BIG NEWS!! An airline in Turkey has grounded 28 cabin crew for being overweight...Yeah, seriously! Members of staff have been given 6 months to lose weight!! WOW! What a great holiday for them! Oh, if they don't use their holiday wisely and lose weight, they'll be forced to work in another department! Oooooo what a horrible thing to say...Anyway, that sounds a bit like black mail to me anyway...What do you think??? The airline says height & weight are important "in terms of appearance, and the ability to move around"...Sorry I'm sorry big people, but you're not allowed to work for an airline! If you really want to, you must be mad, but you must SLIM DOWN and stop eating those Chocolate cakes!

The Aussies are so convinced life in Britain is a pile of poo they reckon people will plock Down Under to pick it up. Officials in Adelaide are tryining to lure borded Brits with a host of bizarre jobs such as collecting Kangaroo dung to be used as a source of energy. Other roles on offer include koala catcher and shark tagger. hmmmmmm...I think I'll have to have a good think about this...There are also positions for people who want to remodel homes for penguins or judge beach babe competitions...Ooooo! I do like that one!! Aussies, I'm on my way over!! So get ready for me!

How good of a driver are you??? Come on, tell me the truth...Apparently many motorists are clueless when it comes to understanding road signs...Mind you, there is one sign I don't get...Its the one with the two old people on...I just don't get that one...Because when I see, I look around and I NEVER see anyone old...So do they just pop up from no-where??? According to a new poll, only half of us understand all the signs on British roads...Oh I don't get those signs in Wales...Why do they try and make up words??? Research shows a little over half of drivers could explain what signs mean!

Thursday 12th August

Good Afternoon peeps! Welcome to another blog and thanks for coming back for more!! I'm SOOOOO happy today...Because I had my first lie-in in agesssss this morning! I managed to crawl out of bed at 11am and then I got into a cold shower because someone used all the hot water!! After that, I got out into the garden and did some cutting! Theres nothing better than having cut grass...Looks much better!! Tonight I will be cutting the hedge...Thats if it doesn't rain!

Here's a tip for you, never put your pets name done on a dotted line...Because a dead dog in Munich has received a bill for a TV licence. NO JOKE! The bill from GEZ licence authorities for the public broadcasting fees was addressed to Bini, a dachshund who passed away five years ago. Bini's former owner Jennifer Pyka, 20, told Bild: "All of my memories came rushing back. I cried and tore up the letter in a rage. At least the GEZ has since apologised and removed Bini from their databank. But I'm still totally angry that something like this can even happen."

The official explained that errors can occur as owners sometimes register their pets on internet address books or for mail order contests which are picked up by external companies used to find potential fee-payers. The thing is, companies like this are always rushing to get things down, so they could get to the pub by the end of the day!! What I don't get, is why would people put their pet names down on internet address books....??? There are some weird people about!

Never question a monkey's doings! Because these animals are really clever...How do I know?? Well the other day, a gorilla in a zoo enclosure has been photographed 'playing' a Nintendo Dsi XL dropped by a child visitor! See, I don't even know how to play on one of them! WOW, there is a Monkey clever than me...! Hmmmm!

Spicuzza said: "We went to the San Francisco Zoo today, and were treated to a very funny incident when a gorilla got hold of a Nintendo NDS that a little boy dropped into the gorilla habitat. The gorilla was very interested in his prized new find. It wasn't long before the little gorilla wanted to see what it was. He was trying to figure it out. Then he flipped it around to see if that would work. Then they both held it very close to their eyes to try to see through it. Of course, the little guy thought he could do a better job and figure it out. Kids, ya know." So so you know, the little boy got his game system back, a little beat up and slobbered on, but it still worked.

Becareful where you sunbath naked!! Because a mother of two boys reported a topless sunbather to police because the way she applied suntan lotion was "troubling" her sons. Well I bet the mothers' boys have seen it all before!! The 26-year-old woman, identified only as Luisa under Italian privacy laws, was questioned by officers after they were brought to the scene by the mother. She had initially asked the woman to cover herself up as her ample breasts and the act of rubbing cream on her body had "troubled her sons aged 14 and 12".

The woman, who was sunbathing on a public beach at Anzio south of Rome, refused and so officers were called. If I was on that beach, I wouldn't have said anything to that sunbather, I would have just let her carry on! But hey, thats me!

Friday 13th August

HAPPY FRIDAY 13TH!!

I hope nothing too bad has happened to you so far today...

I needed to be up early this morning, because we was meant to have some workmen coming to do some work on our bathroom but just seconds ago, we just have a phonecall from the company saying they can't make it today!! BRILLANT! I got up early this morning for no flipping reason! Arggggg!! Anyway, what a lovely, sunny day it is today...Seriously, it feels like I've woken up in November...Its COLD!! And some places have even got heavy rain! But its not raining here at the moment! Woop Woop!

Big news out today...David Cameron may move clocks forward permanently - if he can convince the Scots. There is one thing I hate about the Winter, and its that your have to change your clocks! Scotland has reacted with fury after David Cameron said he was considering moving the clocks forward an hour all-year round so people can enjoy longer evenings. The Prime Minister yesterday gave the strongest signal yet that he will move the clocks forward an hour all year round so people can enjoy more daylight in the evenings. This is the best thing this man has come up with since he's been in number 10!!

MPs in England are urging the Mr Cameron to introduce BST throughout the year to give families lighter evenings. But the would mean less daylight in the morning, which will not affect most of England but could present problems for communities north of the Border. I love this idea! But I wish he'd make British Summertime nicer! Because he's also saying we should stay in Britain for the Summer holidays...Well, if the weather was nicer, we would!

Council people would do anything to save money and energy...A local council has been criticised after its workers painted a double yellow line over the body of a dead hedgehog. Awwwwwwww!! Thats just wrong! The new road markings had been painted on the streets in Hartlepool, County Durham, ahead of the three-day Tall Ships Races festival. Those people in jail would do a better job than them! Allison Hart, 37, said: "I couldn't believe it when I saw the hedgehog - it's disgraceful. Workmen spent the day knocking on doors to get people to move their cars so they could draw the yellow lines. All they had to do was kick it with their foot so it was out of the way and then put it in a plastic bag and move it." - They're too LAZY!! Come on Council people, thats just horrible!!!

Thats for today blog readers!! Have a nice weekend! The mighty fine blog will return on MONDAY!

Monday 16th August

Happy MONDAY!! So the weekend has been and gone once again...God it goes fast when you're having fun in the pub! I need to come clean today...I think I am high on paint today...This morning we are painting our bathroom and you know the smell of paint, it smells nice because good god it makes you high! Who need drugs when you have paint! I must say though, wet paint is one of my favourite smells...Thats behind fresh cut grass and petrol though!

Anyway, on with the blog...The days of buying an expensive car to overcompensate for being small in the pants are DONE. The new way to prove your manhood is to buy a barbecue grill that could SINGLEHANDEDLY cook the entire food chain. 31-year-old Jack Henriques is an engineer in the Cotswolds, in England, and he's the creator of the world's largest charcoal barbecue grill. Check out the specs... It's 11-and-a-half feet fall, 16.4 feet across, 4.9 feet deep and weighs about 4,000 pounds. It takes 14 bags of charcoal to fill it up. The grill can handle 1,000 sausages... or 500 hamburgers... or seven WHOLE LAMBS... or three WHOLE PIGS .. or two WHOLE COWS.

If you want Jack to make one for you, it'll cost quiet a bit of money... and we can't quite comprehend what the shipping charges would be from England, but they'd probably DOUBLE that cost. According to Jack, there is a larger barbecue in Texas, but it's a smoker, not a traditional charcoal grill. I think I'll start saving up for next year...

There's a power company in Washington state, called Puget Sound Energy, that's taking customer service to a STRANGE, STRANGE new place. This month, they're sending out gas bills that REEK of ROTTEN EGGS. Believe it or not, that's a GOOD thing. PSE officials say that they add a chemical to their odorless natural gas to help detect leaks, and it smells like rotten eggs. So if your home smells as bad as your bill, you've got a leak. I wonder if the smell will make people pay the bills faster or want them to throw it in the bin as soon as it comes through the door...

And now, today's Idiot Criminal of the Day. He's 47-year-old Johnny Montgomery of Fayetteville, North Carolina. On Friday, Johnny was in court to face misdemeanor trespassing charges. The judge presiding over his case was a woman named Toni King. And for some reason, Johnny just wouldn't stop LAUGHING at everything she said. When she asked him what was so funny, he said, quote, "It's none of your business." So she had him removed from her courtroom.

As deputies removed him and prepared to arrest him for contempt of court, they searched him... and found that Johnny was carrying more then three grams of CRACK COCAINE. He was arrested and taken to jail. So... his unprovoked, unstoppable laughter managed to transport him from a misdemeanor trespassing charge all the way up to a FELONY crack possession charge. There's still no report on WHY he was laughing.

Tuesday 17th August

HOWDYYY!! Welcome to another blog peeps! The weather isn't as nice as it was yesterday...And yet David Cameron has said that we should stop going aboard from holidays and stay here in the UK...Well we would, if the weather was a bit nicer! I am so jealous this afternoon, because my cat is sleeping again already! Oooooo they have such an easy life...Don't you just wish you could spend all day sleeping??? Apparently, sleeping is good for you...It can make you loose weight! Because when you are sleeping, a chemical is released telling your body that you are FULL and you don't need food! So tomorrow, I am going to stay in bed all day!

I'm not going to lie . . . this sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. A real WITCH . . . an honest-to-God, actual witch . . . is selling one of her most powerful SPELLS on eBay. If you buy it, and use it right, it will transform your body . . . and give you PERFECT BUTTOCKS. (Which should cushion you nicely when the locals decide to burn you at the stake.) All that can be yours for just $8.95. SERIOUSLY! There are even anonymous testimonials from satisfied clients. The witch, whose name is Amelia, says she's been casting spells for 20 years. And while she'll sell you the spell, you may have to provide your own candles, herbs, oils and gemstones. Interested??? Well of course your are! Here is the Ebay link >>> http://cgi.ebay.com/BOOTY-ENHANCEMENT-Sp...665wt_1139

It's hard to think of a DUMBER way than this to violate a restraining order and get yourself thrown in jail. 54-year-old Harry Bruder of Hudson, Florida, has been separated from his wife Carole for two years. During their time together, Harry was abusive toward her, so she got a restraining order against him from the courts. The terms of the restraining order said he wasn't allowed to contact her or see her in person. And Harry violated that last month . . . when he tried to FRIEND her on Facebook.

When she rejected his friend request, he tried again. And this time she called the cops. When they confronted him he admitted everything, and was locked up. After his arrest, he went back to his Facebook page . . . which clearly means a lot to him . . . and wrote, the following: Quote, "Today my future x wife thinks she won but the real winner is me for I know the truth she is nothing but a lying emotionally disturbed woman who needs help to handle previous abusive relationship." Yep, that's actually how he wrote it. Please note...Facebook could get you into BIG trouble!

If you HATE SPIDERS...This is for YOU...Sky has created a 3D video featuring tarantulas and other spiders as an unusual cure for people suffering with arachnophobia! Ah, the wonders of technology these days! Narrated by actor Ralf Little, the "ultra-realistic" film features a horde of arachnids - ranging from domestic spiders to more dangerous black widows - crawling out of the screen in 3D. The video is being shown at Liverpool's BugWorld Experience as the satellite broadcaster prepares for the residential launch of its Sky 3D channel on October 1. The 3D film is available to watch at BugWorld until September 5. I bet you'll have to wear those funny glasses too...

Wednesday 18th August

Greetings!! We're now half-way through the week! Not long till the weekend now! Today is not any other Wednesday...Today is National Ice Cream Pie Day! I do get emails about these special days, asking me if I make them up...Just so you know, I DON'T! All true and odd! BIG NEWS, BLONDIE, the singing who sung "The Tide is High" has announced plans to release their first album in SEVEN years. Their last disc, "The Curse of Blondie", came out in 2003. The new album will be called "Panic of Girls". There's not a firm release date yet, but the band is hoping to have it out in Australia before the end of the year. In November, Blondie will kick off an Australian tour with THE PRETENDERS. So something for the Blondie fans there!

Now, we all know that drinking and driving is just WRONG! But if you're ever caught for doing this, just remember this story: England cricket star Graeme Swann has claimed that he drove his car while over the drink-drive limit because he had to buy screwdrivers to free his trapped cat. Strange I know, but true! The 31-year-old spin bowler told Nottingham Magistrates' Court yesterday that he had been out with friends on April 2 when he returned to his Nottinghamshire home to discover that his pet was trapped. police constable Steven Denniss stopped Swann because he was driving his high-performance white Porsche Cayenne in an area where there had been several burglaries.

Denniss told the court: "Mr Swann stated he had been out that evening and had come back to find his cat trapped under the floorboards in his house. He had gone to Asda to fetch some screwdrivers to remove some floorboards... His speech was slightly slurred but he was compliant. He was slightly upset due to the fact of his cat and what had just happened." A blood test discovered that Swann's alcohol level was 83mg per 100ml. The current legal limit is 80mg. Swann denies a charge of drink-driving...AND the trial continues.

I LOVE THE BBC NEWS CHANNEL because of its mistakes! But the BBC has apologised after weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker was caught on air making a rude gesture at a BBC News presenter. The incident occurred this morning on the BBC News Channel when Schafernaker gave a one-finger salute to Simon McCoy after he made a lighthearted remark. HAHAHAHA! After realising that the camera was on him, Schafernaker quickly tried to hide the gesture by moving his hand up to rub his face, but the damage had already been done. McCoy immediately tried to amend for the incident by saying: "Every now and then there's always one mistake, that was it."

In a statement, a BBC spokesman apologised for the incident and confirmed that the corporation had received seven complaints about the gesture. "Tomasz was not aware that he was on air, and whilst the gesture was only shown for a second, it was not acceptable," he said. "The News Channel presenter live in the studio acknowledged a mistake had been made, and we apologise for any offence caused." I wonder if he'll be doing the weather on the news this afternoon...There is a video of this happening...And you can see it over on the FAN PAGE... **IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED, PLEASE DON'T WATCH** >>> http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Thin-Ca...125?ref=ts

Right then, thats it for today! I'm now off to watch the BBC NEWS CHANNEL to look out for more of these mistakes...HA HA! Back on air this evening from 7PM with THE BIG SHOW! http://www.mtjr.co.uk

Thursday 19th August

Happy "A-Level" day peeps! I hope you got the results you wanted...Here's a BIG cake! Anyway, its Thursday! Not long to the weekend! Tomorrow I going on a little trip! The family and I are going to the coast in Wales and we're going Dolphin spotting! We was going to go on Tuesday but the sea was rough, so the boat was cancelled...I'm hoping the weather will be nice tomorrow! Oh, by the way, YES you can see Dolphins in Wales!

Thank God there are scientists out there who don't waste their time trying to cure cancer or global warming . . . and are actually focused on IMPORTANT things. Like this team at Roehampton University in London, who just came up with a scientific explanation for . . . BEER GOGGLES. According to Lewis Halsey, who led the study, the reason that less attractive people start looking better with every beer is because alcohol DULLS your ability to recognize symmetry. Humans tend to prefer faces that are SYMMETRICAL . . . it's our biological instinct, because symmetry is a sign of strong genes. With more alcohol, you can't detect symmetry as well, so people with asymmetrical faces look better. So in other words, beer is good for...If you use it right!

THIS is why you NEVER step foot on an old man's lawn. At about 12:45 A.M. yesterday morning, in Chicago, a 93-year-old man's medical alert bracelet accidentally went off. The man's name hasn't been released. A rescue crew went to check on him and knocked, but he didn't answer. They took out his wall air conditioning unit so they could get in and make sure he was alive. Unfortunately, the old man heard them and thought some punks were breaking in. So he pulled out his GUN and fired two shots at the emergency crew. Fortunately, he missed . . . and he's not going to be charged with a crime.

Turns out that spending the rest of your life having your bad habits passive-aggressively picked apart is GOOD for your health. According to a study at the University of Chicago, people who are married or in long-term committed relationships have LOWER stress levels than single people. They found that being in a long-term relationship actually ALTERS your biological makeup: When you know you have the support from a relationship, your body produces fewer hormones that cause stress.

Thats it for today peeps!! The blog will return tomorrow!

Friday 20th August

Happy Friday!! The weekend is here at last! Oh, today I was meant to be going on a boat trip, just off the coast of Wales, to see some Dolphins and Seals but the weather put that off! Stupid weather! We had thunder this morning...It has stopped thundering now but it is still raining! I don't think it has stopped since yesterday morning! For August, this weather is pretty rubbish! Next year, if the Met Office says the weather is going to be really nice all Summer, I'm NOT going to believe them!

Now, I love my tea! I love waking up in the morning and starting the day with a nice cuppa...In fact, I have a cuppa here right now! BUT, the traditional British morning cuppa could be on the way out...This isn't according to me by the way! More than a third of us are now opting for green tea at breakfast time, according to a survey. Ewwwwwwwww! I hate Green tea! Blooming horrible stuff! As a nation we still drink 165 million cups of tea every day. But 36 per cent are turning their backs on the traditional English Breakfast and Earl Grey varieties. I prefer the NORMAL Yorkshire tea!

Green tea, made from the Asian plant Camellia sinensis, has become popular for its health benefits...WHATEVER! Tim Thurlings from green tea suppliers Tava Tea, which carried out the study, said: “It is known to help lower blood cholesterol levels and aid in the proper digestion of food.” Other popular speciality teas are camomile and lavender, and lemongrass, ginger and citrus. Right, after I've written this blog, I'm going to make a plain NORMAL cup of tea!

The only people out there loving the weather at the moment are...CIDER MAKERS! Because British apple growers are enjoying a bumper season as sales of cider soar.Some 10,000 acres of new apple orchards have been planted across the English countryside to meet the growing demand for the drink, according to the National Association of Cider Makers. And sales of cider have increased by 15 per cent, according to supermarket giant Asda...I like ASDA! The chain said the apple-based tipple had outsold traditional ales by millions after Britons spent £45 million on cider so far this year alone. With five apples going into every pint and half of all UK-grown apples used to make cider, demand for the British fruit has led to three million more trees being planted in the last 10 years. WOW! I don't think there is going to be a shortage of Cider any time soon...

Never, ever doubt the miracles that an Irishman can perform with a drink in his hand. A scientist in Cork, Ireland, has figured out a way to make cars run on WHISKEY. Well . . . not whiskey itself. That's for drinkin'. He's created a new bio-fuel where the key ingredients are the byproducts left over during whiskey production. His name is Martin Tangney, and he's been working on the project for two years. Since scotch and whisky distillation is one of the biggest industries in Ireland, figuring out a way to use their waste is a major priority.

Tangney says his new fuel is a green, environmentally sustainable option . . . and it could be blended with a little regular gas or diesel so cars wouldn't even need to be modified to use it. There's no word on when it could be on the market. Tangney and his team have filed for a patent and are now starting a company to work on developing the fuel commercially.